yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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