God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
