You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
