How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
