i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
