I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
