WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
