your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
