i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I would ride that face into the sunset
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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