If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
how does that bad decision feel?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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