I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
