if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
