Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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