never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
