even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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