Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
