You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
