I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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