whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sext me about skeletons
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
