fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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