Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
