I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
