On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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