I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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