Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
