He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm always down for nudity.
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