I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Still dying that you shit outside
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
