I wish my penis had an off switch
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
