Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize