You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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