Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
