peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
