Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
