Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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