Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he fucked my hip out of place.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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