god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize