I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
