any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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