Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
