Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So squirting runs in the family.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
