Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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