I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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