I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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