wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
