It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
