I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
