literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
