I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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