I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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