I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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