He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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