I can feel you judging me through the phone.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
