My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
