my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
