he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
