I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
