Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
