i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize