I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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