saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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