god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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