That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
