I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
