For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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