I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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