apparently the secret to your success is patron
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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