I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
