I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
