so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
