pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She's the barista slut.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
