Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
